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Wednesday, May 21, 2008


American Idolatry: One David To Rule Them All...

Last night's two-hour American Idol finale pulled out all the stops. There were about a gazillion musical numbers by the 10 Idol finalists, resembling nothing so much as a multicultural variation of The Osmonds. There were album-shilling appearances by Seal, One Republic, Donna Summer, Bryan Adams, and other creepy old fossils. (Even George Michael pulled her big, gay, stoner ass out there and sang one of his more beautiful ballads, "Praying For Time"...God Bless him and his grandma sunglasses. He's lost his looks, but not his voice; if you were in high school in the mid-80's, you probably still felt a heart flutter when he came on stage.)

There were live-camera feeds to the finalists' hometowns, where crowds of relatives not important enough to score tickets were cheering their respective Davids on. There was Jordin Sparks, singing a terrible new single and clearly off the diet, wrapped in what looked like gold aluminum foil. There was Carrie Underwood, wearing a very short white skirt and (I'm not kidding) a white chiffon train attached to her wrists. Both wrists. Like a fashion jump rope. Why, Carrie? Why?

There were Ford promos, Coca-Cola Moments, and Guitar Hero ads featuring the Davids. (Hope they got paid.) There were movie "placements" both smart (Ben Stiller, Jack Black and Robert Downey Jr. impersonating Gladys Knight's Pips, in a cheeky backdoor ad for Tropic Thunder) and not so smart (an unfortunate, extended plug for the new Mike Myers movie, The Love Guru). And there was, lest we forget, an excited Randy, a hopped-up Paula, a bored Simon, and one very effeminate Seacrest. Judged collectively, last night either signaled the impending apocalypse, or American Idol's cultural relevance came to a train-wreck end. Or both.

Still, we needed a winner....it's what the millions of us watching had hung out to see for nearly two hours. (I used my time effectively, watching the proceedings in a small screen window while simultaneously programming my DVR to record the premiere of So You Think You Can Dance, HBO's Recount, and The Andromeda Strain. And then I ordered the new cast recordings of A Catered Affair, Passing Strange and In The Heights from Amazon. Sweet!)

So when all the votes were counted, by a margin of 56% to 44%, the next American Idol was crowned: David Cook. In the end, I think it was the only decision voters could realistically make; Archuleta's a great kid and will be a major talent if he wants to be, but he's too unformed at this moment to make proper use of an opportunity like this. Cook, on the other hand, isn't the best singer to ever Idol (I think that honor still goes to La Clarkson), but he is the most creative winner they've ever had. If for no other reason, it'll be exciting to see how he uses his newfound stardom. I haven't bought an Idol winner's CD in a long time....that will change, however, this year.

Good on ya, America. Now, on to So You Think You Can Dance...

Previous American Idolatry: Yoko Ono, Where Art Thou?, Au Revoir Amanda, God Bless Idol Country, Au Revoir Chikezie, Giving What Back, Exactly?, Idol Gave Back (And I'm Friggin' Exhausted), Au Revoir Michael Johns, David Archuleta Is Like Sarah Brightman In Drag, Au Revoir Carly Smithson, Songs Sung Really, Really Blue, Au Revoir Brooke White, The Heart of Rock 'N' Roll Is..., Au Revoir Jason Castro, In Search of Pop Gods and Goddesses, Au Revoir Syesha Mercado, Divided Between Davids

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Blogger joe*to*hell said...


georgina michael should have spared us al

5/21/08, 10:20 PM  
Blogger ZenDenizen said...

My heart did feel a flutter but then Praying for Time? Why George Why?!

David C looked great in the guitar hero ad though...

5/22/08, 8:10 AM  

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