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Friday, August 17, 2007


Big Brother Blogging: America Must Be Stopped, We Are Destroying Everything

If you're a die-hard fan, you probably sat down to last night's episode of with a serious case of anticipation. Schadenfreude City, baby! Dick gets what's coming to him, finally! But if you're one of those people (like me), you were in for a long, turgid, excruciating night of disappointment.

As we settled in to the episode, the producers made it clear it was going to be a horse race...using the trumped-up suspicions Jen instilled in HOH Jessica to first suggest that Dustin was in trouble. But it was half-hearted at best....a backyard dinner with Zach and Jess was about as sharp-witted as it got (and between those two, we're talking a serious wit deficiency). But then things changed...and it's really our fault, apparently. Because Eric was told by America -- for some incomprehensible, transparently homophobic reason -- to lobby and vote against Dustin, and of course then it was a done deal. By a vote of 4-2 Dustin was evicted. He was shocked beyond belief, and I was too.

In his interview with the Chenbot, however, Dustin immediately identified Eric as the culprit. (He doesn't realize it wasn't Eric's fault, but that's the way it is.) The tension in the house has got to be high...my guess is America made sure that Eric goes home next week...and that Zach will now probably win. Because America loves verbal abuse, anorexic princesses, and idiots.

But there was no time to grieve over our national mistake. Because suddenly, there were midgets, barbershop quartets and pirates running loose through the house! EEEEEK! Bad actors were appearing everywhere, reciting odd cryptic phrases and getting their AFTRA cards. What did it all mean? Where was it all leading? To the Head of Household showdown, of course. In the HOH competition, the contestants had to answer questions about the bad actors and their actions: what they said, what they were wearing, and what in the hell has happened to this show. It came down quickly to Evil Daniele and Amber in a battle...and the hypocritical selfish blond anorexic bitch won. (I mean Daniele, if you can't tell...she's blonder.)

So fuck me with a chainsaw sideways: Evil Dick is back in power, and it's all America's fault. Next to slavery and the Iraq War, this is the worst thing our country has ever done. I'm moving to Australia, goddamnit. And maybe I'll start pulling for the idiots...I mean, My New Plaid Pants has loved Jen like a fat kid loves candy, and she's still around and irritating. Of course, it looks like he's swearing off the show after tonight's episode. It's time for us to change strategies, JA. Go Kail! I hope you get voted back in, and you get all Christian medieval on their asses!

On Monday, QTA will pick up the pieces and share Daniele's nominations, and next Wednesday Tapeworthy will try to make sense of it all. And I'll be back on Thursday, but I'll save you the suspense now....Eric will be evicted.



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