2007 Verve Awards

2006 Verve Awards

Best Arts and Culture Blog 2005 Queer Day Awards

Best Gay Blog Nominee 2004 Weblog Awards

Best Arts and Culture Blog Nominee

Monday, July 16, 2007


Big Brother Trifecta: Jen Is Madly In Love...With Jen

One full cycle into the new season of Big Brother, and the landscape is starting to take shape. After spending the first 10 days getting to know each other, the Houseguests are already teasing us with budding romances, power plays, and enough homoeroticism to make the LOGO network squeal with jealousy. Here's how we see it going down:

After Carol left last week, nobody seemed especially upset; maybe that's because Jen's boneheaded win to become the new Head of Household was too irritating for anyone to think of anything else. Suddenly, everyone was worried about her unpredictability; Jen being HOH is like Bush being President, only Bush is a girl with artificially enlarged boobs and America is a fenced-in backyard with a pool. Plus, she's a complete narcissist; in the obligatory Big Brother montage, the producers set off a little bell every time she mentioned herself. Let's just hope Paris Hilton never runs for elective office.

But there are more important things to discuss...like Nick and Mike lifting weights together. Oh dear sweet wounded Jesus, welcome to gay softcore heaven. I tried to touch myself in a naughty place, but I was distracted; the two studs were made fun of by Zach and Dustin, affecting eastern European accents and calling them "Magnus and Cragnus." But really, Dustin just wanted to watch. As did all of us. Hey, can America's Player be commanded to rub baby oil onto their rippling biceps during the next powerlifting session?

The producers went back to MontageLand, and tried to convince you that Daniele and Nick are falling in love. I'm not drinking the Kool-Aid. It's too early and too obvious. But you don't care about that, do you? No, I hear you asking, where oh where is superbitch Kail? She who is always trying to control the entire game like some small-town Donald Trump? Why, she's over in the HOH room, trying to talk addle-pated Jen into nominating both of the gays! God, I hate this woman. She is a massive homophobe, and I seriously hope someone will call her on it...especially since she's the most Machiavellian player since Season 7's All-Star Danielle.

Enough of the politics: the Food Competition was a pie-eating competition, where houseguests had to identify the nastily-combined ingredients ("pickles and clams") in the pie with a small number of bites. The boys won, the girls lost...and by girls, I include HomoJoeJoe, who remains one of the most irritating homosexuals ever to grace CBS primetime. (And that includes Andy Rooney; no, he's not gay, but he is very irritating.) The only upside was the fleeting glimpses of Eric's nipple rings under his shirtless apron. Hotttt.

Speaking of America's Player, the nation has spoken...and they told Eric to target brain-dead Jessica for eviction. He did what he was told, but I was completely disappointed...in America. C'mon people, what a wasted opportunity! We have a mole in the friggin' house, and we're going to waste our eviction attempts on a clueless bimbette? Go for Kail, go for HomoJoeJoe, go for Evil Dick. Pick someone worthwhile, someone that other nations will respect us for nominating! Someone who makes Canada and France go, "Wow. Good choice, Americans. Now about that mess in Iraq..."

As we headed into Jen's nomination deliberations, Evil Dick engaged in a little self-sabotage, telling the new HOH exactly what he thought of her. "Insensitive bitch" was my favorite of his many colorful phrases; I'm not sure what his game strategy is, but I'm guessing it's similar to that of kamikazes in WWII. And (surprise!) it worked; Jen turned right around and nominated both Dick and his daughter, Daniele, who Jen is jealous of for some reason. ("Damn, I wish I could be anorexic too, but my boobs are too big!") Who will go home? It's no contest, really...unless something goes haywire with the Power of Veto on Tuesday, daddy will be home very soon, kids.

On Wednesday morning, you can catch all the Veto-worthy drama over at Tapeworthy. I'll be back to my regular schedule on Friday discussing the eliminations, and QTA will pick up the pieces on Monday. Until then, the Trifecta awaits your comments...



Post a Comment

<< Home