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Saturday, November 18, 2006


The Best Bond Themes

I don't know what Cinematical has been smoking (usually, we love them muchly...Martha, where did you go?), but their piece yesterday on the Seven Best Bond Themes got our dander up. As a certified expert in Bond Themology -- I regularly perform the theme songs in my house, full-voiced, for an imaginary audience of thousands, often while vaccuuming -- I can say definitively that Madonna and Louis Armstrong do not come close to cutting it for the all-time best. And while any one-armed retard can figure out that "Goldfinger" and "Live and Let Die" are classic, a deeper look into the lesser-known tracks is called for.

First: THIS is the best Bond theme of all time....and you've probably never heard of it. Gladys Knight rocks the house with the theme from the otherwise disastrous Licence To Kill. Turn it up loud and scare the neighbors.

Second: Goldfinger is good, but if we're paying tribute to Miss Shirley Bassey, you have to honor the cheesy brilliance of Diamonds Are Forever. If I were a drag queen, I'd perform it every night until I died from the heartbreak, glamour, and violin section.

Third: Insert Live and Let Die here.

Fourth: You want talent, I got talent -- a theme song written by Bono and The Edge, sung by Tina Turner. Yeah! Who doesn't want to hear that? Goldeneye begins smoky, but Turner cranks it up by the end.

Fifth: Sheryl Crow's Tomorrow Never Dies is pretty terrible, but that movie's closing theme by k.d. lang, "Surrender", is pretty damn fabulous. The logical successor to Shirley Bassey, we think.

Six: We don't dispute that "For Your Eyes Only" is the superior ballad, but we've got a thing for Nancy Sinatra's "You Only Live Twice"...which was sampled and twisted by Robbie Williams into the worldwide smash "Millennium."



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