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Friday, March 17, 2006


Breaking: Straight Men Masturbate Slowly

Whereas gays are speed demons. In what may be the dumbest scientific survey ever taken, straight males took an average of four strokes longer when pulling their pud...which either means they are more patient, or not as good at it.

Other fun facts: left-handers are quicker than righties, but ambidextrous onanists put them both to shame, amorally speaking. (Women, clearly, don't masturbate at all. Good to know.) And where does the, um, finale happen? "394 said they used their hand, 73 used an old sock, 141 used a handkerchief, 12 did it in the sink (!) and 43 used a plant pot."

Who are the 141 English dandies spunking into their handkerchiefs, I'd like to know? It's like the porn version of Gosford Park.


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