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Wednesday, February 22, 2006

 

Putting Out A Contract On Zach Braff

It's not that we don't like the guy. Sure, we've watched Scrubs. Even laughed once, we think. But now he's spending the summer following up his debut film Garden State, and we must put our foot down. Preferably on his movie.

For God's sake, think of the children. Think of the unwitting, innocent filmgoers who will (again) be subjected to Braff's faux-moody dialogue and sorry excuses for plot. Think of the untold generations who will never erase the marijuana-stained memory of Garden State from their minds, who will recall the complete lack of onscreen chemistry between Braff and Natalie Portman as "romance"...and then wonder why their adult relationships fall apart. ("That vacant stoner shtick worked for Braff," they'll bitterly tell themselves as their wives leave them, taking the plasma screen TV and half the house.)

This is life and death, people! We must save the world from cloying scenes where the actor's shirt matches the pattern of the wallpaper...and is therefore considered ironic. There's no doubt about it; Zach Braff must be stopped. By any means necessary. Except fake irony, we can do without any more of that.

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