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Wednesday, February 22, 2006

 

An Open Letter To Ryan Seacrest

Dear Ryan,

Dude. We got it. The girls are tall, and you're really short. Like a retarded gay munchkin. You brought it up on tonight's episode like, what, fifty times? If you're really that intimidated by tall female contestants, invest in some shoe lifts. Or spike your hair up higher. Or do what girls do, and wear high heels. (Dude, it only makes you gayer when you bleakly defend yourself with, "I'm taller than Tom Cruise.")

And while we're on the subject, dude: when a girl wants to kiss your closeted ass on national television, maybe you should let her. It's not going to convince anyone in the blue states, but some of those folk in Kansas and Montana might be fooled. Worth a shot, anyway.

Love, MF

P.S. -- Regarding the episode, we thought Paris Bennett, Katharine McPhee, Mandisa and Lisa Tucker rocked (in that order). The other eight...not so much. We're SO ready to boot the two most annoying contestants -- saccharin country bumpkin Kellie Pickler and untalented loudmouth bitch Brenna Gethers -- because if we could have reached through the television to stab them, we would have.

P.P.S. -- We LOVE the three downloadable tracks by Idol's wild card, Taylor Hicks. Bluesy folk that goes down like finely aged bourbon. Now's that's something to idolize.

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